I Can Handle this Roller Coaster!

WOW... the past several weeks have been a roller coaster but manageable finally!

First, I knew I wanted to volunteer with an organization that worked with mental health and I can not believe how hard that was. (I will not name the organizations in order to protect them.) One organization was shut down because of all the budget cuts. I went to see another that told me they had NOTHING for me to do. This time I wasn't be treated differently because of my mental illness but because of being a pageant girl. Another organization didn't have a branch in Arizona yet, so I couldn't do much for them either. I was really frustrated and felt defeated. Then I found the Arizona Stigma Reduction Committee. It had been put on hold for awhile but now they needed someone to bring it back. I am that person! I know this is something I will continue way after my reign as Miss Arizona International is over.

On a personal note I was in a car accident, my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and my Pop's health hasn't been very good either. My mom had her state pageant which is always so much fun but very stressful preparing for it all.

Now when I went to my psychiatrist and told her all of this she was amazed I wasn't "stressed". Now when I go in to see her she makes me rate my emotions and symptoms on a scale of 1-10. I guess what I have never explained to her is, yeah I get anxious and sad but it's manageable now. Life isn't perfect, there are downs, and things don't go as planned most days but now I can handle it. Ready for the irony.... being diagnosed with depression has been one of the happiest days in my life!  As a result, I can finally see the strength God blessed me with. I can finally live life and enjoy it.

You are not alone

As I said in my previous post, I remembering feeling so alone. I felt like no one had ever felt this way before and there was no one I could talk to because they couldn't possibly understand how I was feeling.  I want you to know you are not alone!!!! So here are some of the things I thought and felt during those dark times....

• I felt like I was a freak of nature. There was no way I was designed to be like this. 
• I felt guilty. I have been incredibly blessed, there was absolutely no reason why I should be sad or depressed. I was even told this several times. "Why are you depressed? Everything in your life is perfect!"
• I had a pastor tell me that the Bible never mentions "mental illness" therefore, there is no such thing. This one really effected me! I thought this just confirmed, I was a selfish, lazy, brat and I just needed to suck it up and choose to be happy. 
• I had a friend tell me to give it to God and pray about it. I did and still do. I truly believe in the power of prayer and that God can cure anyone from anything. However, would you tell someone with diabetes to not take insulin and just pray instead? I think it is a combination. I pray and take my meds. When someone is that depressed they feel like God can't hear them, like even God can't love them. Their thinking isn't always logical. I know I needed something to help stabilize the chemicals in my brain first, then I could pray. 
• I had a boyfriend tell me that his mom always handled her emotions and PMS without anyone in the family knowing and he expected me to do the same. This made me feel weak and again like a freak of nature! "Great, other women may have these emotions but they can control them, why can't I?
• I was worried about passing my "defect" on to children some day because I felt helpless. I didn't even know where to begin to ask for help or if anyone could help me. 

What got me through all of this??? My precious mother. She has a knack for knowing when I need a kick in the pants, when I need prayer and when I needed to seek psychological help. If you know someone living with depression PLEASE don't say these things to them, encourage them to get help. If you are living with depression, remember you can get through this. Talk to someone! If you don't know where to start try getting recommendations from your insurance company, church, NAMI, or MHA. Just don't let it go untreated!

Average Everyday Ordinary Girl

I am writing this blog for a few reasons; to help erase the stigma of mental illness and because maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear/read this.

Growing up through highschool and college was pretty rough. Several OBGYN's told me I had PMDD. I didn't know what I had but I knew that every few months I felt like I was living in someone else's body. I was incredibly anxious at first, then I was angry, really angry.  I would snap at people, say hateful things I didn't mean and ended way too many friendships because of these emotional outbursts. Then after the anger I would become depressed. I always thought I just had to mature and learn how to control my emotions better. However, as I got older the emotions got worse.

In my head I was convinced my situation was unique. No one has ever felt this way. No one would understand how I felt. If I talked to anyone they would think I was crazy. I was a burden. I was scared at any day I would have a psychotic break. I didn't deserve love. I didn't want kids because I didn't want to pass these traits on to anyone else. Mind you, all of these thoughts were just in my head. I am so glad that NONE of them are true.

Throughout this blog I will discuss how I felt during these times and how I got to where I am now. I know when I felt like that I would have loved to know that someone else had been there, that someone could relate. I would have loved to know that I was an average everyday ordinary girl. There was absolutely nothing WRONG with me.

Disclaimer

Nothing I post on this page should be considered counseling or professional advice. If you are having any emotional issues, anxiety or just feeling low, I urge you PLEASE talk to someone. Please seek professional help!