Now is the time!

It has been a year and 5 months since I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Severe Anxiety. However, I think I battled depression for at least 14 years.  I was convinced I was the only person that had ever felt this way. I thought I was one of a kind, but not in a good way. NO ONE was talking about it! BUT I think that is changing and I could not be more excited. Glenn Close started Bring Change 2 Mind in honor of her sister. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence starred in Silver Linings Playbook. I know of 4 other state titleholders that have the importance of mental health has a platform. One of the lead characters of Homeland lives with bipolar disorder. A video of a young boy's motivational speech about living with depression goes viral and he ends up on national talk shows. This means people are talking about mental illness with the general public not just to others in the community.

I think it's time to take full advantage of this. We have to educate people by talking to them and exposing them to people living with mental illness. We need to let them know it's not just the violent man on the news, in fact that is the exception. 1 in 4 people at some time in their life live with a mental illness. This means it could be anyone. The neighbor you trust to watch your pets and get your mail while you are on vacation. The co-worker that helps you out when you are overloaded. The friend that always appears to be happy and have life mastered. There may be people very close to you that have never disclosed the turmoil they live with every day. This could be for many reasons, I can only tell you why I didn't seek help or tell anyone.....

which deserves it's own post on another day. For now, Goodnight friends!

Time for an Update

It has been a ridiculously long time since I posted, so here is an update...

My experience at the International Pageant continued to be amazing. I made the best of friends and was part of an incredible production. While I was very disappointed to not make the Top 10, it does not change the fact that this was my best pageant experience to date!  AND.... since people keep asking, that was my last pageant.

I am finally coming to the end of my classes for my Master's degree. I just have 3 more classes then I will start the internship process. I could not be more excited and scared. I feel this is where I will truly learn how to be a counselor.

AND I still have depression and anxiety. A few months ago I started having some of the same symptoms again... couldn't concentrate, lack of motivation, didn't want to see anyone, headaches, sleeping a lot but never well. So back to the doctor I went. Every time I go to the psychiatrist it gets a little easier and feels a little bit more "normal". Telling people I see a psychiatrist still is a bit hard at times.

Sooooo there it is, pageants, school, work and trying to stay mentally/emotionally healthy.

Having a BLAST!!!

Hey friends!

I am having the time of my life!

The second day in Chicago they took us to the John Hancock Observatory, it's on the 94th floor, and the view was absolutely incredible! Then we went to the Lincoln Zoo for a little bit. Lastly we had lunch at the Boys and Girls Club where we were all paired with a buddy. I had an adorable little boy named Isaac. I wish we could have stayed longer! After a bit of free time we were treated to dinner and Eddie Peterson spoke to us. There aren't even words to describe his speech but I will try... He was funny, inspirational, touching, honest, and truly touched my heart.

Yesterday we had out first rehearsal and it was so much fun! Every single girl competing is so nice and fun. I could not ask to be competing with a better group of women. I know I will continue these friendships long after this pageant is over. Then we went to the Skokie Library for the Princess Ball. We all were paired with a little princess and helped her through a set of activities. It was so much fun and I think we all would have stayed all night if they had let us.

This morning I am preparing for interview in a couple of hours! I pray that God watches over us all as we meet with the judges.

Again, thank you all for your support and encouragement. I could not be happier about this experience so far!

Chicago Day 1

I can't believe it is here. I am in CHICAGO!!!!

I arrived yesterday with my mom, Amy (her business partner), and Ally (Amy's daughter). Our flight out of Phoenix was delayed an hour because of bad weather in Phoenix. WEIRD, right? The flight was smooth except the guy sitting next to me kept talking to himself ;)  As soon as we got here we had to rush to the opening show and dinner for the Mac Duggal 2014 Spring line!  The show was incredible then I got to meet Mac himself. He is so very nice!

Then mom and I checked into the Double Tree where the pageant is being held. I got a great night sleep! Today has just been getting everything in my room set up, everything steamed and working out. Tonight we have orientation! I cannot wait to meet all of the other girls and get this week started. Keep me in your prayers! Thank you to everyone for your support and encouragement! xoxox

What did I do....

Do you ever have moments where you realize all that you have been blessed with and know there is no way you deserve any of it?? Well, I have been having several weeks like that. I am continually amazed with what God blesses me with.

Several months ago I was having the hardest time finding a place to volunteer then I somehow found the Arizona Stigma Reduction Committee. The people involved have been beyond supportive, encouraging and welcoming. I know this group of passionate people will truly make a difference in the community of behavioral health in Arizona.

Last week I was chosen as the Director of Volunteers on the Board of the absolutely incredible organization "Girls Rule"! If you don't know about them yet, you need to look them up.. especially if you are a young girl or have a young lady in your life.

I have the most amazing people in my life. I am not biased at all when I say my mom is one of the greatest people ever. She is the Proverbs 31 woman. The two of us were discussing our friends and what inspirational people they are. We have been blessed to be surrounded by people that all strive to be the best in their field while also striving to help others and make a difference in the world.

I pray every night the I allow God to use me and these blessings to His benefit!

The Big Competition

Since I've had so many questions I thought I would try to answer them all here...

I will be competing for the title of Miss International in Chicago, July 22-27. I will have Preliminary competition on Friday night then if I make top ten I will compete in the final competition Saturday night. We have four areas of competition; Interview which is 40% of our score then the remaining is made up of Evening Gown, Active Wear and Fun Fashion Wear. The competition is not televised but you can support me in another way....You can vote for me on the International Website! Part of these proceeds will go to the International Charity of Go Red for Women.

One thing I love about pageantry but especially about the International System is the charity/platform portion. Women are encouraged to find a cause close to their heart and volunteer with that cause. As many of you know I am promoting the importance of mental health. This is a cause close to my heart for many reasons!

I am so excited for this opportunity. I have never been to Chicago but I have been told I will love it. I am looking forward to meeting the other contestants and the staff. I have heard countless praises about Mary Richardson and the International System. I cannot wait to see what this week will hold. Its just 27 days away!

But I'm just.... Me

A few weeks ago I was feeling incredibly stressed/anxious, and I couldn't really figure out why I was feeling this way. School was easy, work hadn't changed, but I was feeling immense amounts of internal pressure. So I sat down to talk with my mom to try and reason things out. We finally figured it out, for the first time in my life I was feeling inadequate. I was receiving lots of praise from people within the mental health field about my story and blog. I didn't really understand why. I was worried I would not measure up to expectations. I don't feel like my story is anything special. BUT..... I think that's maybe why it helps.  I was just REALLY depressed then I got help...  I think some times we think we have to have a miraculous come back story to be an inspiration but just maybe I can be an inspiration by being completely average and normal. :)

I Can Handle this Roller Coaster!

WOW... the past several weeks have been a roller coaster but manageable finally!

First, I knew I wanted to volunteer with an organization that worked with mental health and I can not believe how hard that was. (I will not name the organizations in order to protect them.) One organization was shut down because of all the budget cuts. I went to see another that told me they had NOTHING for me to do. This time I wasn't be treated differently because of my mental illness but because of being a pageant girl. Another organization didn't have a branch in Arizona yet, so I couldn't do much for them either. I was really frustrated and felt defeated. Then I found the Arizona Stigma Reduction Committee. It had been put on hold for awhile but now they needed someone to bring it back. I am that person! I know this is something I will continue way after my reign as Miss Arizona International is over.

On a personal note I was in a car accident, my grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and my Pop's health hasn't been very good either. My mom had her state pageant which is always so much fun but very stressful preparing for it all.

Now when I went to my psychiatrist and told her all of this she was amazed I wasn't "stressed". Now when I go in to see her she makes me rate my emotions and symptoms on a scale of 1-10. I guess what I have never explained to her is, yeah I get anxious and sad but it's manageable now. Life isn't perfect, there are downs, and things don't go as planned most days but now I can handle it. Ready for the irony.... being diagnosed with depression has been one of the happiest days in my life!  As a result, I can finally see the strength God blessed me with. I can finally live life and enjoy it.

You are not alone

As I said in my previous post, I remembering feeling so alone. I felt like no one had ever felt this way before and there was no one I could talk to because they couldn't possibly understand how I was feeling.  I want you to know you are not alone!!!! So here are some of the things I thought and felt during those dark times....

• I felt like I was a freak of nature. There was no way I was designed to be like this. 
• I felt guilty. I have been incredibly blessed, there was absolutely no reason why I should be sad or depressed. I was even told this several times. "Why are you depressed? Everything in your life is perfect!"
• I had a pastor tell me that the Bible never mentions "mental illness" therefore, there is no such thing. This one really effected me! I thought this just confirmed, I was a selfish, lazy, brat and I just needed to suck it up and choose to be happy. 
• I had a friend tell me to give it to God and pray about it. I did and still do. I truly believe in the power of prayer and that God can cure anyone from anything. However, would you tell someone with diabetes to not take insulin and just pray instead? I think it is a combination. I pray and take my meds. When someone is that depressed they feel like God can't hear them, like even God can't love them. Their thinking isn't always logical. I know I needed something to help stabilize the chemicals in my brain first, then I could pray. 
• I had a boyfriend tell me that his mom always handled her emotions and PMS without anyone in the family knowing and he expected me to do the same. This made me feel weak and again like a freak of nature! "Great, other women may have these emotions but they can control them, why can't I?
• I was worried about passing my "defect" on to children some day because I felt helpless. I didn't even know where to begin to ask for help or if anyone could help me. 

What got me through all of this??? My precious mother. She has a knack for knowing when I need a kick in the pants, when I need prayer and when I needed to seek psychological help. If you know someone living with depression PLEASE don't say these things to them, encourage them to get help. If you are living with depression, remember you can get through this. Talk to someone! If you don't know where to start try getting recommendations from your insurance company, church, NAMI, or MHA. Just don't let it go untreated!

Average Everyday Ordinary Girl

I am writing this blog for a few reasons; to help erase the stigma of mental illness and because maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear/read this.

Growing up through highschool and college was pretty rough. Several OBGYN's told me I had PMDD. I didn't know what I had but I knew that every few months I felt like I was living in someone else's body. I was incredibly anxious at first, then I was angry, really angry.  I would snap at people, say hateful things I didn't mean and ended way too many friendships because of these emotional outbursts. Then after the anger I would become depressed. I always thought I just had to mature and learn how to control my emotions better. However, as I got older the emotions got worse.

In my head I was convinced my situation was unique. No one has ever felt this way. No one would understand how I felt. If I talked to anyone they would think I was crazy. I was a burden. I was scared at any day I would have a psychotic break. I didn't deserve love. I didn't want kids because I didn't want to pass these traits on to anyone else. Mind you, all of these thoughts were just in my head. I am so glad that NONE of them are true.

Throughout this blog I will discuss how I felt during these times and how I got to where I am now. I know when I felt like that I would have loved to know that someone else had been there, that someone could relate. I would have loved to know that I was an average everyday ordinary girl. There was absolutely nothing WRONG with me.

Disclaimer

Nothing I post on this page should be considered counseling or professional advice. If you are having any emotional issues, anxiety or just feeling low, I urge you PLEASE talk to someone. Please seek professional help!